It hurts... April 28, 2013

It hurts...did you ever try to act as though something doesn't bother you but deep down the pain is so deep your heart just wants to explode? Well that's me right now. This all comes back to the screwed up relationship my daughter has with the father of her baby. He is 35 years old, married with 3 beautiful little girls. I from day one before I knew what was going on took an instant dislike to this hypocrite of a human being who somehow has captured my baby's heart and has such influence over all she does...where is the strong, independent young woman we raised? Through the past 7 months I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I have been there for each twinge, every complaint, answered questions... her dad and I have welcomed her home, supported her emotionally and financially through this pregnancy. She had asked me to be her labor coach, I arranged with two of my dear friends who teach childbirth education and they came to our home and gave her such a wonderful supportive class. I sat and did the whole class with her even though I have had four of my own and work in L&D. I just happened to say during a question she had about labor yesterday that she needs to remember that she should pick one person to focus on for help through the contractions and she pretty much slapped my face and said "I am pretty certain D. will want to do that for his baby." Then tonight I said something about my spending the night and helping her with nursing etc. and once again it was D. will be staying with his son and a hotel is too much money. My husband has spoken with her about not having feelings for this man who is still married with children and she claims not to and she is aware he is not available. This whole situation is so screwed up and crying at night is just exhausting me beyond the imagination. I await the joyous birth of our first grandchild. Yet not a second thought has been given to how this will totally change my life. She will be at work at her new job as a nanny two weeks after the wee one arrives and grandmom is the babysitter. It has been mentioned how wonderful it is that I will be doing this as even when he may fall ill as babies often do who better than a pediatric/NICU nurse to watch him (I have worked all areas of the young expanding family over my 30+ year nursing career). My heart is just filled with pain-the type I have not felt except at the deaths of four important people in my life: my daddy, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law A., and my own grandmother. I guess my feelings do not count for much. I have been feeling down so often since the accident with my foot and this just adds to my feelings of desolation. So I will say good-night because it is getting hard to see the keyboard through my tears...