It hurts... April 28, 2013

It hurts...did you ever try to act as though something doesn't bother you but deep down the pain is so deep your heart just wants to explode? Well that's me right now. This all comes back to the screwed up relationship my daughter has with the father of her baby. He is 35 years old, married with 3 beautiful little girls. I from day one before I knew what was going on took an instant dislike to this hypocrite of a human being who somehow has captured my baby's heart and has such influence over all she does...where is the strong, independent young woman we raised? Through the past 7 months I have tried to be as supportive as possible. I have been there for each twinge, every complaint, answered questions... her dad and I have welcomed her home, supported her emotionally and financially through this pregnancy. She had asked me to be her labor coach, I arranged with two of my dear friends who teach childbirth education and they came to our home and gave her such a wonderful supportive class. I sat and did the whole class with her even though I have had four of my own and work in L&D. I just happened to say during a question she had about labor yesterday that she needs to remember that she should pick one person to focus on for help through the contractions and she pretty much slapped my face and said "I am pretty certain D. will want to do that for his baby." Then tonight I said something about my spending the night and helping her with nursing etc. and once again it was D. will be staying with his son and a hotel is too much money. My husband has spoken with her about not having feelings for this man who is still married with children and she claims not to and she is aware he is not available. This whole situation is so screwed up and crying at night is just exhausting me beyond the imagination. I await the joyous birth of our first grandchild. Yet not a second thought has been given to how this will totally change my life. She will be at work at her new job as a nanny two weeks after the wee one arrives and grandmom is the babysitter. It has been mentioned how wonderful it is that I will be doing this as even when he may fall ill as babies often do who better than a pediatric/NICU nurse to watch him (I have worked all areas of the young expanding family over my 30+ year nursing career). My heart is just filled with pain-the type I have not felt except at the deaths of four important people in my life: my daddy, my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law A., and my own grandmother. I guess my feelings do not count for much. I have been feeling down so often since the accident with my foot and this just adds to my feelings of desolation. So I will say good-night because it is getting hard to see the keyboard through my tears...
                                                

I forgot... April 24, 2013

        I forgot... Ahhhh I bet you all think that because of my advanced age I am speaking of myself. BUT NO!! you are incorrect. Yes of course I often walk around in the post menopausal stupor wondering why I have entered a room, or stared at the contents in the freezer willing one of them to jump out and say "here you idiot! You are looking for me to feed your family with for dinner!!! duh!!"

 
 No I am speaking of two of the most frequently used words in my 15 yo's vocabulary. T. will come home from school in the afternoon, say on a typical Wednesday our trash day for all of his life.As usual after the typical exchange of how was school today? "OK" Do you have any homework? "Nope" Are you sure? "Yep" Can I check the website? "Go ahead" What did you do in ELA? "Nothing". Are you reading anything in class? "Yeah"  Does it have a title? "I forget what it is". OK you all get the idea.. Now since it is Wednesday the next exchange is usually... Could you please take out the trash and recyclables for pick up tomorrow? "yeah". Two hours later... T how come the cans are still at the top of the driveway? "Oh, I forgot" He also has the job of emptying the dishwasher in the morning and despite multiple reminders I will often go to put my tea mug into the dishwasher and find it full of clean dishes. Every time he is questioned as to why it was not done despite reminders the answer is always "I forgot"  

 A miracle occurs at least once daily as he miraculously remembers the time and place of the pick-up basketball game that afternoon or the party Saturday night . He maintains the ability to remember and recite the release date of movies and video games 18 mos from now and knows the exact moment classes end for the school year or to the penny how much money was in his left front jean pocket. I have difficulty remembering if I had this same problem with the older three as teens. Now what was I aiming to say...I forgot...

Busy, Busy Busy! April 22, 2013

Busy, Busy, Busy!... Wow... I started this blog truly intending to write every nite but life gets in the way sometimes. Started a new class on Tuesday - Health Care Economics_ which brings back the nightmare of my undergrad days, trying to pass Intro to Economics and having absolutely no comprehension of anything taught. It did not help that the professor did not speak English very well and the class was on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 8:15 am. I am not a morning person. I have gotten slightly better as I have aged but admit to not having the ability to comprehend most important things told to me. My children have been warned time and time again to have me sign papers or to tell me anything important that needs my attention in the evening. I think my 15 yo son purposely ignores this request as he must get some perverse pleasure in placing the blame of inaction on me. Worked hard on Friday trying to complete as many assignments for the weekend since daughter's shower was on Saturday.

Overslept on Saturday morning! (9:30). The shower was at 1pm and we were supposed to get there at 12:15 to set up the room. The shower was being held at a restaurant to make it easier on me since I am not able to stay on my leg for very long without the pain becoming unbearable and unmanageable. I have always hosted all events from 4 - 150 on my own, cooking all the food, setting-up, serving, cleaning, and taking it down. Even though the shower was taken care of I still had to make 2 trays of baked ziti and meatballs, garlic bread, and salad for the menfolk coming along for the ride but not allowed to invade the hen party. Ended up getting into the shower at 11:55 and making it to Charlie Brown's by 12:55 - 5 minutes to spare. Most of the day was a blur but I have been told that everyone had an enjoyable time and my daughter received so many of the necessities. Realized I am associated with some creative and imaginative people when I saw the play-doh babies, lol! Van was packed to the brim and the gift list matching gift and giver left behind and never found. (Guilty, :-( ). On to home, saw off the last of the company and vegitated until we all fell into an exhausted slumber.

Sunday, April 21, 2013. The anniversary of the day I came into this world. I was served my favorite breakfast in bed (sauteed baby spinach, topped with poached egg and a slice of crumbled bacon - I could eat it three meals a day everyday for the rest of my life!). I had gotten up early to watch mass at 5:30 am and dozed until breakfast. A wonderful nap followed by a feast of Chinese food made for a wonderful day. All my children and my husband had remembered although after forgetting it one year I do not think any of them will ever repeat that mistake. Working on an Economics paper the only downfall of the day. Caitlyn beginning to nest a bit - perhaps the need to put away the shower goodies helping to give her a shove to find the floor!

 

And so it Begins...

And so it begins...                                                  April 18, 2013
    Rewind approximately eight months ago. Our beautiful, intelligent, daughter shows up at the homestead from her out-of-state university and utters two words that changed the fabric of our lives forever. The millisecond it took for her to blurt out "I'm pregnant" took my husband and I aback and as I watched Paul's face I could see the look of heartbreak overtake his entire being. Our baby born on Christmas Eve 22 years prior was no longer the little baby we once held in our arms and was about to embark on one of the toughest yet most rewarding journeys of life. Arrangements were made for her to do her internship-her only remaining coursework required for graduation-close to home and she moved back home to receive her prenatal care and have our total support.
    The past few months have not been easy with too many adults under one small roof will cause conflict from time to time.Caitlyn and I never had the Hallmark card type of mother-daughter relationship. She was daddy's princess. It killed me seeing him crushed and retreating to his garden to try to come to peace. I had to try so hard to hold my tongue...I was so afraid she would rebel against me and run. My heart was breaking and I spent many a night sobbing into my pillow. Thank goodness for God and good friends or I do not think I could have made it to this point.

     She thinks she is an adult ready to take on the world, but Paul and I can still see too much of the little girl in pigtails, stubbornly trying to outdo her brothers in everything, even if it meant walking, climbing from her crib, and mounting the ladder up to the top bunk by the age of seven months. 

       Ah it is late and the alarm goes off way too early... need to do some papers and homework and finish getting ready for her baby shower this weekend. I hope writing my feelings in this blog will help me along in this complicated (a story for another blog!) journey. G'night all...